Back when I was an undergraduate student, our campus was rocked by allegations of sexual assault -- date rape -- gone uninvestigated and unpunished. Women across campus were furious, names of men alleged to have committed such acts lined bathroom stalls and dorms. In response to the furor, the university initiated sexual assault education for freshmen. At another campus - Antioch College (since closed), the Sexual Offense Policy was even stronger, with the goal -- "100 percent consensual sex ... it isn't enough to ask someone if she'd like to have sex ... you must obtain consent every step of the way ... If you want to take her blouse off, you have to ask. If you want to touch her breast, you have to ask. If you want to move your hand down to her genitals, you have to ask." As students at the time, we were shocked, and, to be honest, a little creeped out at the thought of a college regulating every detail of intimacy between presumably consenting adults.
Our own college's sexual assault education program, however, involved students watching a scenario much like the one we heard in class last Thursday (at least as I can recall -- its been some time). However, the victim never says "no", and the situation, expanded by individual comments made by the male/female character is more ambiguous -- afterwords, the male likes the girl, is excited about their connection and wants to continue a relationship and the girl feels sick, worried, traumatized, raped. Again, as I remember it, I appreciated that the goal of the trainings was to encourage open communication between partners or potential partners, about sex and consent, in the absence of such communication (say, because someone's had too much to drink) wait until another time. The spin on the male character was that he wasn't evil or purposefully trying to hurt the girl, but that his actions would go on to cause serious repercussions for both (possible sex assault charge for him, lifetime psychological wounds for her).
I think that there are sexual predators, who enjoy the power and control of dominating another person, and who would proceed to violate and assault others, regardless of sexual policies or trainings. However, I think its important not to vilify all young men as potential rapists, or enforce codes that regulate every aspect of what should be a spontaneous and fun activity. Instead, I think its important to encourage and reinforce an ideal that if you're old enough to have sex, then you're old enough to talk seriously about it with your partner -- the boundaries and limits that might exist and warn against the belief that if she/he doesn't say 'no' its always ok (such as when intoxicated) or if she/he is your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband its always ok, etc. As George Bernard Shaw said; "The main problem with communication is the assumption that it has occurred."
Anyway -- just mt thoughts.
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I agree. I think part of the problem, though, is that parents and educators tend to focus on telling girls "don't have sex," "watch out for those boys," "be careful what you wear," "you should say no," etc. Conversely, a lot of parents at least tacitly condone their sons having sex as a reflection of their masculinity. (I remember my brother coming home once and bragging about his sexual exploits over dinner--my parents laughed and rolled their eyes. If I or one of my sisters had done something like that, they would have been horrified!) I think more education about what constitutes healthy, consensual sex is needed for both genders, but especially for men, who may not be hearing these messages elsewhere.
ReplyDeletePowerful story. It is weird to have a college in your life at such a personal level. 100% consentual sex is a goal not normally associated with our educational institutions. I hope we get to speak about this during Thursday's class.
ReplyDeleteI agree...this method seems a bit extreme. I also think that dialogue should be encouraged BEFORE the act, to avoid this type of 'confusion', as opposed to in the moment -- as this program suggested.
ReplyDeleteAt my school, there was A LOT of focus on consent - for example, poster campaigns saying "Consent is sexy" (with metaphorical pictures of fruit [bananas, grapefruits mostly] in obviously sexual positions...picture that!). Freshman year during orientation, there are not only skits about consent performed by upperclassmen, but also dialogues and info sessions, a "sex fair" (where they give out condoms and have lotteries for sex toys), etc. (I went to Barnard...I'm not sure if being at an all girls school across the street from a co-ed school or if the slogan "Barnard to bed, Columbia to wed" had something to do with it). Despite all the commotion, I remember one of my friends told me this story about how she was walking home from the Columbia library really late at night only to find a girl on the Columbia steps in her underwear. Supposedly the girl had been "date raped" at some party and was completely shaken up by it. I'm pretty sure my friend offered to take the girl to the hospital or at least walk her home (I think the latter is what the girl decided to do). I don't recall hearing anything about it in the school newspaper or any riots resulting. Sadly, this kind of event tends to "go away" silently.
ReplyDeleteTo counteract that, Barnard and some other schools have an event called "Take Back the Night" - it's a night devoted to raising awareness about sexual assault and domestic violence. We would march around the streets of Morningside heights (the police would block off the streets to traffic and follow our parade) chanting "what do we want?" "safer streets" "when do we want it" "now", etc. And other chants. Later in the evening, women and men would anonymously share anecdotes of abuse behind a screen (I never stayed for that part. Until this class, this subject has been one that has always felt too painful to hear about - I still get nauseous when I hear about these things in class)
A few years ago, a Columbia grad student was followed home, tied up, tortured and raped in her apartment and then the apartment was set on fire. It's a miracle the girl some how escaped, but I remember the assault was so close to the Take Back the Night event that so many people showed up. It was incredibly moving and powerful.
In sum, I'm not sure it hurts for schools to try to implement some kind of policy surrounding consent, but I definitely think that programs ought to be offered during freshman orientation. That way, people become educated, and they have no excuse for violating anyone, even if they don't take the programs seriously.
I agree with Fiona - I think not much is taught by parents. I feel like kids are getting a lot of this material through the media, which is really unfortunate because that's not necessarily always accurate. Also, I know this can be an uncomfortable topic for parents and children, but it would be more beneficial for them to learn everything here than the night of.
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